Hailtothechimp

(We open on the dusty old office as HttC types up his latest obituary) HttC: Well here we are, the grandest day of all days, Halloween! To commemorate this most auspicious of days I thought I’d save my best obituary for last. Look here, teenage punk broke into a house to hurt, possibly murder a very small boy. Except he got more then what he bargained for and ended up on the opposite end of the beating stick. Ended up torn in half, across the middle. Guts hanging out, one part here and another there, blood painting the walls. Nasty stuff! And that wasn’t all, there was so much more and more to tell! To close out the 31 Days of Halloween I present to you… Cobweb… The story for Cobweb is one that kind of shocks me. The story follows Peter, a shy boy who is bullied constantly in school and whose parents are more then odd and abusive. When he begins hearing strange noises in the night his life takes a dark and visceral spiral. The overall story for Cobweb is good. During the first two

(We open on the old office as HttC types up his latest obituary) HttC: Ok let see here, I’m at 997 and that just leaves… two to go… o brother will it ever end? So much death and misery in just one house? The thing too is that this is a tale that has been told once before twenty years ago now being told again, but will this new telling prove superior or is it 2 dead as the 999 friend,y residents if this old house? This is…. The Haunted Mansion… The story for The Haunted Mansion is well done and has fr more meat on its bones then it’s predecessor. The story follows a group of people who, upon entering the mansion, have been cursed to haunts until they return in an attempt to lift the curse of the house. The story moves at a good pace, giving us time to get to know our initial characters and throughout the film allowing most of them to develop properly. The main theme of the film is grief and I feel the film utilizes it well. There are some character who are suffering from loss and

(We open on the old office as HttC types up his latest obituary) HttC: Five victims, all died from gun shot wounds m a high caliber rifle. Such cowardice, like all those who commit these types of crimes. Of course with such crimes comes lessons to be learned, but what happens when the lesson is being taught by fools who have no idea what they’re talking about? This is… Night of the Hunted… The story for Night of the Hunted is one that should have simple, one that should have been good right off the bat but writer/director Franck Khafloun find a way to drag it all down. The story follows a young woman named Alice who is on her way to a fertility clinic with Asher friend and coworker and possible lover it’s kind of hard to tell John in the wee hours of the early morning. They stop off at 24 hour gas station to refill, not knowing they were intentionally lead there to become victims of a bloodthirsty sniper. The story starts off really strong with a nice slow build up with Alice and

(We open on the old office as HttC types up his latest obituary) HttC: Hmmm… a simple hanging… sure she was from a great height but nothing more to it. I’d think at that speed her head would have snapped off. Well this one was in a long line of strange and not so strange deaths all surrounding a very young and suspicious boy, a boy that could lead to the doom of all of humanity. This is… The Omen 2006..? For years I avoided The Omen remake, mainly from what I’d heard of the reviews saying that it was a shot for shot type deal like the Psycho remake. But as I was watching The Hills Have Eyes remake, one of the movies is save for the month of October, I though to myself “Y’know, this movie came out the same year as The Omen and I love this movie. It’s. Only different from the original but superior. And seeing that the original is not streaming anywhere perhaps I should finally give the remake a shot.” Well dear readers I regret to inform you all that The Omen remake isn’t like The

(We open on the old office as HttC is studying a video. It’s an old VHS tape and HttC is taking notes to whatever bizarre thing he sees) HttC: Hmmm yes, i see. I never trusted those newfangled eye screens… Oh good evening and welcome back to the 31 Days of Halloween. A bunch of VHS tapes with some the most insane deaths I’ve ever seen, and bets if all they’re all fresh so plenty of work for me to do. It really is all over the place though, some interesting and some not so. Let’s go over them together shall we? This is… VHS 85… Total Copy: The VHS movies tend to have a bad track record with their wrap around segments. 94’s was utterly abysmal and confusing and 99 actually had a nice and interesting one but dropped it when the character doing the wrap around died in a shitty segment. Total Copy is, thankfully, a genuinely good wrap around segment. The format is that of a documentary series that’s been recorded involving the discovery of a slime covered boy that a science team s

(We open on the old office as HttC is arguing on an old rotary phone) HttC: Look I don’t understand WHY a murder from 1987 matters in 2023. It doesn’t matter! I can’t do shit about it now! It Ben thirty- In the garage! She was murdered in the God blessed garage! No water bed, no parents room, garage! Alright, alright, I’ll fix it…. It’s late but I’ll fucking DO IT!!! (HttC slams the phone and rubs his eyes). HttC: I swear she was murdered in the garage… I remember that like it was yesterday… (sighs heavily) Time travel, it’s a real pain the ass. And one young girl in particular knows all too well about that. Why don’t we go over it together? This is… Totally Killer… First things first. I know everyone and their grandmother has compared this to The Final Girls and while the bare basic plot is similar Totally Killer is a different animal. The story follows a teenage girl named Jaime who lives in a town that, 35 years ago, was terrorized by a serial killer called The Sweet 16

(We open on the old office as HttC types his latest obituary) HttC: good evening, and welcome back to the 31 Days of Halloween! Today’s write up is a rather religious one. An old Padre in France was turned into a Crepe Suzette without the crepe. Yeah it always seems like it’s the good Catholics who go and the rotten ones are allowed to burrow deep in comfort… anyway. This roasted body is courtesy of a demon, a demon who’s name is not known but still won’t shut up about its own name, and a long series of grisly Hastings and odd happenings. This is… The Nun 2… The story for The Nun 2 is written by Akeela Cooper, that alone should guarantee a home run. With such excellent films as Malignant and M3gan where could she go wrong? Well there is a problem and that problem lies with the first movie and the director of this film Michael Chaves. See the first movie didn’t have a particularly strong story… and that’s ok. Why? Because the first movie had Corbin Hardy who had an excellent eye for

(We open on a dusty old room. It’s quiet and dirty with not a soul in sight. Suddenly a door open and a light flickers on and a man in a 20’s style suit and hat walks in. It’s HttC and he happily greets us) HttC: Well good evening! It’s that time of year again! The days get short, the nights grow long and the air becomes chilled. When the dee dance among us and dread seeps into every fiber of our being! It’s also the time of year that a ton of bodies pile up and for me that’s money! (HttC sits down at a desk and begins fiddling with an old cobweb ridden type writer). HttC: I’m writing obituaries you see? It’s not glamorous but it pays well. (Looks over and sees a large pile of files) Wow… we’ve got a lot to go over and only 31 days to do it in! So let’s start…. Here! (HttC picks up a file and looks through it. HttC begins to chuckle a little) HttC: Look here, young lady died of a decapitation. Looks like something sawed right through her neck. But that’s not the interesting

Wow. It's been ages since I've done one of these hasn't it? Well I'd better shake off the cobwebs and get right down to brass tacks then shouldn't I? We've reached the end of another year and boy howdy what a year it's been! So let's wrap things up with the top ten best films of the year! Now there are a few stipulations to end up on this list: Usually it's a movie that was the best out of a whole month and by best I mean it was exceptionally good not the only pretty good movie that came out and sometimes to fill out the list more than one will wind up here. The other is that I had to have seen the film in theaters or streaming if it premiered on a streaming service. Also Avatar 2 is not gonna be here. I havent seen it, I have no interest in seeing it in theaters, I wasn't crazy about the first one so I wouldnt have been crazy about this one either so dont bother complaining about it. You know who you are! Those weird people who pretend they've cared about it all this time and clutch

(We open one last time in the foyer of the mansion. The Driver hears footsteps approaching as HttC emerges from the shadows with a disgusting looking candle.) HttC: Good evening. Ahh Halloween, my most favorite day of the year! A day I love but am also saddened by as soon we'll have to put everything away for another year. Oh, this candle? Why I thought I would invite some of my dearest friends to go out and about and cause... amok... You see this candle is made from the fat of a hanged man and a virgin lighting it will bring my friends to life... Oh shush you! (HttC lights the candle and in a mere moment joyous cackling can be hear echoing through the sky. HttC looks out the nearest window and smiles). HttC: And there they go, off to enjoy the holiday. While we have some time, why don't I tell you about my friends and their newest bout of mischief. This is... Hocus Pocus 2... The story for Hocus Pocus 2 is pretty much par for the course what we got the first time around. Sure